A Letter To Jaxlee

Below are some thoughts by/from Karah about Jaxlee and her delivery, and some things she wishes to say to her.

One week ago today our lives changed drastically. How can life be taken before a first breath? Why the life of my precious Jaxlee? Why my family? Why do we have to go through this tragedy?

222… the number of steps from the car to the check in at labor and delivery. Why did I count? Maybe it was a way to keep myself distracted from what was to come? I still don’t know. But with each and every step my worries and fears only grew larger and larger. What was to come of the next few days before, during, and after delivering my sweet and beautiful Jaxlee? Where would I stand in my faith? Would I still be strong or allow the many emotions that I know will flood my body consume me? I was going to count my steps on the way out, but I was to distracted. I wanted to make sure that I didn’t see any new mommies carrying out their perfectly healthy new babies. I just didn’t want to be made more aware of the fact that I was going home and leaving something so beautiful and precious to me behind.

She was here, and the time had with her was quick; really no amount of time would ever have been enough. We said our goodbyes to her tiny 10.5 in. 1 lbs. 5.3 oz. self, and I am surprised to say I was able to be joyful. Through all the pain and tears I was given a peace that surpasses all understanding. A peace that only my God could have allowed. I was able to look at her and smile because I know God has allowed her to be free of pain and suffering. I know she is the happiest she will ever be, and although that tears me up inside, because I want her here with me, it is what the Lord knew to be best for her.

If it weren’t for our faith, the many prayers, thoughts, and sweet words of encouragement I do believe things would have been different. I believe in the power of prayer, and I believe that because so many who love, care for and supported us in this journey have been praying for comfort and piece the Lord has granted it.

I am still sad, scared, and at times struggle with anger, and I know the coming days, weeks, months… maybe even years, will be incredibly hard for our family. Because Jaxlee is not here in the flesh does not mean that we will not carry her with us for all of the days of our lives. She is a part of our family, a part of me, and that will never change.

Dear Sweet Jaxlee,
          I hope you know that even though our time together was short I have been grateful for every moment God has given me with you. You are my perfect tiny baby love and I love you beyond measure. You have made me reach out to our Lord in ways I never have before. You have made me desire Him and trust Him above all other things. I was so worried that your tiny body fighting for over 24 weeks in my womb would be in vain but you have allowed me to break out of my comfort zone and share your story and for that God has allowed my journey with you to be a testament of my faith in Him. But just because My faith in Him is stronger than it was before you does not mean it comes without fighting for. I will always find new areas of weakness but I will definitely lean more on and depend more on God because of you.
          I feel like I am not allowed to cry, no one said I couldn’t in fact everyone is understanding of my grief but I find it hard to let my tears free. When I am alone I cry for you. After I got my IV removed I was excited to finally shower and have a little more freedom but that freedom came with a price. Another moment to recognize I have suffered a great loss. I got in the shower and I cried, I cried because it was not the same. You had been with me growing for 24 weeks and I miss you. My showers have always given me a moment to think, and talk to you. It was our only “time alone” together. And now I was having to say goodbye, no amount of time to say goodbye would have ever be enough. I could have held you forever in my arms but unfortunately that was not and is not possible. But you will forever be held in my heart and I will never let go of my memories of you. 
          I feel guilty letting my hurt get the best of me because I know I am supposed to be strong. You gave and still give me strength, and if I get upset it shows a weakness that I feel like distances me from you and our time together. As much as I would have loved for every second to be joyful with you it pains me to say that was not the case. I struggled, am struggling and will continue to struggle. I will always wonder why? Why you? These are questions I know only God knows the answer to and I will keep telling myself you were to perfect for this place. You never have to taste the temptations of this world. You never have to struggle with desires of the flesh, you never have to know sin and the struggles that come with the decisions you make. You have been made clean and get to be in the presence of the one who died for the sins of the lost, a God who saved me and will bring us together again. I look forward to the day I get to see you again. I look forward to dancing with you in the presence of the King. I love you more than any cluster of words or actions could ever express. I will forever hold you in my heart. 
With all my love,
          Mommy

My husband’s parents have set up a GoFundMe for us, which has been a blessing in offsetting some of our additional medical costs.  https://www.gofundme.com/babysouza