Saying Goodbye before Hello

A post from Karah about Jaxlee.

Yesterday was one of the most difficult days of my life, and the sadness and fear from my appointment hangs over me like a rain cloud on the darkest of days. I feel that from this moment forward things will only get harder, but I find comfort in the Lord’s favor upon me and am so grateful He has chosen me to be a part of His eternal family. I would not be who I am today if it were not for my salvation and I would not be where I am today apart from His grace.

We stepped on the elevator headed to the second floor for an 8:30am appointment with Dr. Earhart. Kyle looked at me and asked if I was nervous and for the first time going to an ultrasound appointment I wasn’t, because I told myself the last appointment was difficult to handle and it couldn’t get much harder than that one. After sitting in the waiting room for over 30 minutes we were finally called back. We got into the room and the ultrasound tech started the scan. He took normal measurements and when he got to her heart I knew something was not right. Where I had seen her sweet heart beating before there was now no movement. The ultrasound tech kept measuring and tried to find a heartbeat three separate times with no luck. The room was quiet as I laid there in denial, surely the doctor will come in and we will see her beating and fighting heart. I turned and looked at Kyle to see if his face reflected the fear that was setting in inside of me and he remained composed which helped me to do the same. About 5 minutes after the tech said he would get Dr. Earhart she came in. She re-scanned for a forth time and verified our techs findings. Our sweet Jaxlee has passed away.

I am not ready, I am unprepared, and my heart is broken into a million pieces. I cried when I heard the words come out of our doctor’s mouth because they verified my biggest fear through this entire journey. How can this be I just felt her tiny body move while we were sitting in the waiting room? Her body is still here with me, and she doesn’t feel lifeless? The doctor informed me that because she is less than a pound and there is fluid surrounding her, it allows her body to move. I am still feeling her body today and in those movements I struggle the most. In those moments I have to reassure myself of yesterday’s findings and every time is like hearing it again for the first time.

When Dr. Earhart left the room Kyle held me and told me he was sorry for the loss of our beautiful Jaxlee. In a moment when things seemed to calm down a bit he asked me if I knew before the doctor came in the room and I said yes, he said he did as well. In those moments I can’t even express all of the thoughts and emotions that ran through my mind. I have been protecting her, I was keeping her safe in my tummy, but now she was gone and it was completely out of my control.

I have moments of selfishness where I wish I just had a minute to see her and hold her, and see her getting to have life in her little body, to get to see her live even if it was briefly because she has fought so hard. But then I think, “she is now in the hands of our savior,” He is holding her ever so tightly for me. If she were here with me, every second, minute, hour that the Lord had allowed would have been a struggle for her tiny body. The Lord has taken away her pain and suffering and that is where I need to set my focus. That is what I need to be grateful for. No suffering and no pain for my sweet girl.

Last night we captured this moment, before I have to say goodbye on Wednesday. Yesterday I had two amazing friends graciously offer their time, energy, and talents to not only make me feel special, but to capture this pregnancy and just how beautiful it has been despite it being painful physically and emotionally. Maternity pictures were planned for the 17th, we didn’t make it. It sounded trivial and selfish but I wanted this moment, it was important to me. I needed a photo with all three of my babies and our family of 5. I can not begin to express my deepest gratitude for what Jessica and Melissa have given me. Jessica made me look and feel beautiful when I was struggling the most and Melissa captured the love, intimacy, and bond I have with my little family, Kyle, Jovi, Jaspyn and Jaxlee. These are two things I will never be able to express how thankful I am. These two women went above and beyond to accommodate a last minute photoshoot. From my hair, makeup, even getting me a dress it was exactly what I needed. Getting to see those pictures posted on my Facebook page turned a light on in my soul. The moment was captured and I believe the Lord allowed for the amazing timing to get these priceless images that I will cherish forever.

It amazes me the peace that God has granted me in my suffering. It comes in moments, but I am praying for those moments to be more and more frequent. The Lord has granted me an amazing support system. A ton of friends and family who have and will continue to be by my side picking me up when I fall down.

I have been scheduled to deliver Jaxlee tomorrow, Wednesday at Memorial Hermann The Woodlands. And even though this day brings fear and great sadness I know it is not the end for my beautiful warrior. She has already seen the face of God and for that my grief can be replaced with relief and gratitude to our Heavenly Father.

I can not express the love I have for my sweet Jaxlee and am anxiously awaiting the day we get to see her sweet face in the presence of our Lord and Savior.

“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.”

“Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him.”

James 1:2-4 & 12

My husband’s parents have set up a GoFundMe for us, which has been a blessing in offsetting some of our additional medical costs.  https://www.gofundme.com/babysouza