I wanted to post this last month, but as usual, I’m a bit late. So, the last thirteen and a half months, that’s what I’m going to talk about here, now.
A lot has happened, some things have changed, some things haven’t. Last July we lost Jaxlee a couple weeks before a viable delivery. Then we moved in August from my in-laws house back to a rental home. Then this June we moved to an apartment. I skipped a few things in-between there… But what exactly happened isn’t nearly as important as how things are now and why they are that way.
Things were weird for a bit. I know people have had worse things happen to them, but one of the lessons I learned over the last year was that “Other people’s pain does not invalidate your own.” I didn’t know how to relate to my wife. I felt like I was just existing without progressing. I focused as much as possible on doing things. Just focus on that day, that part of that day, that moment. But I wasn’t motivated to accomplish much. I wanted things, but I didn’t really want them – the kind of want that makes you take action.
Christmas Day was terrible, I was at a breaking point, I wasn’t coping well, and didn’t have a solution – so I broke. I hated it. I still hate it, I actively detest my thoughts and actions from that day. Thankfully at the beginning of this year Karah and I went through a marriage program at our church called Re|Engage. I don’t think Karah and I would have gotten a divorce, we do love each other, and are stubborn, so that option is (thankfully) off the table. And right now, well, I’ll talk about that in my next post. But we weren’t talking to each other, we weren’t having real conversations. We’ve known each other for so long, we were friends for years before dating, and have many interests in common – this means it was easy for us to revert to just being roommates with a shared bank account. I’m thankful for Faith Bible Church providing us with the tools to fix that situation. We were forced to talk. It’s crazy how simple some resolutions are isn’t it? All we needed to do was have some honest conversations, yet were unwilling, or unable, to do that on our own. Okay, talking wasn’t the only thing we had to do, but it is what we had to start doing.
Jovi and Jaspyn have been amazing. Sometimes they talk about Jaxlee, and it makes me happy and sad at the same time. These two girls are so sweet, I love their hearts.
Moving was a pain, both times, but especially this last time. The help I had lined up fell through, rain came, I stayed up from Friday morning through Sunday night without sleeping (I’m fine with an all-nighter every once in a while, but two sleepless nights in a row… it’s been awhile since I’d done that.) But we got it done, and we’re in a great location.
I know this one wasn’t an entertaining post, but I feel the need to get “caught up” on life before I move on to more fun things.