I don’t know how to start this post, there’s a lot I don’t know right now – but I’ll try to focus on the stuff I haven’t said on here yet.
I am so blessed to have the children I do, I am so thankful for my wife. But every one of those words is tempered with sadness, anger, and fear – frustration. Right now in my life I mostly try to act normal, and sometimes I feel guilty for being happy, but overall I am grateful for my life.
But every time I look at Karah I wonder how I’m going to react when we lose Jaxlee. I was thinking of this the other day when I left work in the morning to meet Karah to go to a doctor’s appointment. Lost in thought I rear ended the truck in front of me (it was one of those false-start situations at a stop sign, and I was not paying attention like I should have – 100% my fault).
I’m sad thinking about my first Father’s Day, Karah was pregnant with Jovi and my family got me a few cards – it was my parent’s first grandchild, my brother’s first niece (or nephew, I forget if we knew yet), and we were all excited. What if this had been our first pregnancy? I cannot imagine life without Jovi or Jaspyn. Would we have tired again? I would have hated getting those cards. We won’t be bringing Jaxlee home, and anytime someone is too positive to me about her now it is annoying beyond description. I’m sad this Father’s Day knowing next Father’s Day I’ll still only have two daughters.
I dread the day we don’t hear a heart beat. That’s what I was thinking when I bumped into that truck. What will Karah’s face look like? What should I say? What should I do? We’ve been married for 2,871 days (almost eight years) and I don’t know how to act to comfort my wife when the nurse can’t find a heart beat, and the doctor does an ultrasound and Jaxlee isn’t moving…
All of this is made worse by the fact that I was not happy about Karah being pregnant. I didn’t want this though, I didn’t want to her to lose the child, I didn’t want an abortion, nothing like that – and I know how “getting pregnant” works, the situation was 100% my doing (and 100% Karah’s – marriage is a special kind of math). I just had never envisioned having more than two children, and the timing was not ideal; I did not react anything close to the first two times we found out. But I accepted reality and changed my feelings, and by the time I got excited about having a third child we started learning we probably would not be meeting her. If you’ve ever had regret then you know what went through my head: Did me not wanting Karah to have gotten pregnant cause this? Did God hear me and sentence my child to death? “Oh, you didn’t want Karah pregnant? OK Kyle, she won’t be.” That’s the kind of thoughts you have sometimes. Or at least I do. But that’s something else I have to deal with.
For now though, I have Jovi and Jaspyn, and Jaxlee for just a little bit longer.
Something aside from “Happy” Father’s Day….